How many pagans does it take
to sacrifice a chicken??
Three:
One to light the candles and incense,
One to ready the athame and call the directions,
One to defrost the chicken.
All chant: Per.due fea.thered one, hun.ter 'neath
the cor.porate sun, so on...
(sung to the tune: Herne horned one)
Taoism:
Shit
happens.
If you
can shit, it isn't shit.
Shit
happens, so flow with it.
Hare Krishna:
Shit
Happens, Rama Rama Ding Ding.
She-it
happens, She-it happens, happens, happens, she-it, she-it... (Repeat until you
become one with she-it)
Please
this flower and buy our shit.
Confucianism:
Confucius
say, "Shit happens".
Confucius
says, "If shit has to happen, let it happen PROPERLY."
Buddhism:
If
shit happens, it isn't really shit.
If
shit happens, it isn't really happening TO anyone
Shit
will happen again to you next time.
Zen:
What
is the sound of shit happening?
7th
Day Adventism:
Shit
happens on Saturdays.
Hinduism:
I've seen
this shit before.
This shit is not a religion; it is the way of
life.
This
shit happening IS you.
Protestantism:
If
shit happens, it happens to someone else.
If
shit happens, praise the lord for it!
Calvinism:
Shit
happens because you don't work hard enough.
Episcopalianism:
If
shit happens, hold a procession.
Lutheranism:
Shit
happens, but as long as you're sorry, it's OK.
Anglicanism:
It's
true, shit does happen -- but only to Lutherans.
Catholicism:
If
shit happens, you deserved it.
You
were born shit, you are shit, and you will die shit.
Charismatic Catholicism:
Shit
is happening because you deserve it, but we love you anyway.
Judaism:
Why
does shit always happen to US?
Why does shit always happen just before
closing the deal?
Reform Judaism:
Got
any laxatives?
Islam:
If
this shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
If
shit happens, take a hostage.
We
don't take any shit.
Nation of Islam:
Don't
take no shit!
New Age:
That's
not shit, it's feldspar.
A firm
shit does not happen to me.
This
isn't shit if I really believe it's chocolate.
I
create my own shit.
If
shit happens, honor it and share it.
Sheeeeeeeeeeit!
We're
all part of the same shit.
For
$300, we can help you get in touch with your inner shit.
Wicca:
If shit
happened once, it will happen twice more.
The
Goddess makes shit happen.
Jehovah's
Witnesses:
No
shit happens until Armaggedon.
There
is only a limited amount of good shit.
Knock
Knock, "Shit Happens."
Here,
we insist you take our shit.
Shit
happens door to door.
Secular
Humanism:
Shit evolves.
Darwinism:
Survival
of the shittiest.
Christian
Science:
When
shit happens, don't call a doctor--pray.
Shit
doesn't happen and I am not up to my eyeballs in it.
Our
shit will take care of itself.
Shit
in your mind.
Atheism:
I
don't believe this shit.
It
looks and smells like shit, so I'm damned if I'm going to taste it.
Shit
doesn't happen. Shit is dead.
No
shit!
Religion
from an Atheist's point of view:
I haven't
smelt, seen, touched, or tasted it. But it's shit.
Agnosticism:
It looks and smells
like shit, but I haven't tasted it, so I'm not sure whether its shit or not.
What
is this shit?!
How
can we KNOW if shit happens?
You
can't prove any of this shit
Rastafarianism:
Let's
smoke this shit!
Hey,
this is good shit, mon.
Mormonism:
If
shit happens, shun it.
Excrement
happens (you can't say shit in Utah)
Hey,
there's more shit over here!
Our
shit is better than your shit.
Shit happens again
& again & again ...
Energizer Bunny:
Shit happens and keeps
going and going and going and...
Baptist:
You
are shitting all wrong, and you'll be punished for it.
We'll
wash the shit right off you.
Southern Baptist:
Shit will happen.
Praise the lord.
Iraqi Baathist:
Oh shit!
Voodoo:
Shit
doesn't just happen -- somebody dumped it on you.
Let's
stick some pins in this shit!
This
shit's gonna get you
Televangelism:
Your tax-deductible
donation could make this shit stop happening.
Unitarianism:
What
is this Shit?
We
affirm the right for shit to happen.
Go
ahead, shit any way you want.
It's
not the shit that matters. It's the process.
Orthodox:
St. Sergius found his
faith in deep shit.
Greek Orthodox:
Shit happens, usually
in three's.
EST:
I am
at cause that shit will not happen.
You're
responsible for all the shit that happens.
Fundamentalism:
There's
no shit in the Bible.
Shit
happens, but don't publish it.
Twelve Step:
Shit happens one day at
a time.
Amish:
Shit is
good for the soil.
This
modern shit is worthless.
Shintoism:
You inherit the shit of
your ancestors.
Moonies:
Only happy shit really
happens.
Stoicism:
This shit is good for
me.
Zoroastrianism:
Shit happens half the
time.
Bahaism:
Why do you keep
shitting on us?
Mysticism:
This is really weird
shit.
Paganism:
Shit happens for a
variety of reasons.
Rajhneesh:
Give us your shit and
put on this orange shit.
Rosicrucianism:
What is this AMORC
shit?
Satanism:
We hope
bad shit happens to all of you.
We
will make your shit happen.
Witchcraft:
Mix
this shit together and it will happen
Scientology:
All
this happens to be shit.
If you
leave us, bad shit will happen to you.
Shamanism:
Whoaa...Holy Shit!
Sikhism:
Leave
our shit alone
Sureshism:
You are all pieces of
shit.
Dianetics:
"Why does shit happen?" (p. 157)
Yuppie Shit:
It's
my shit! All mine! Isn't it beautiful?
An Employer:
Shit
happens, and rolls down hill.
An Employee:
I've
done my shit, so can I take the day off?
This
shit's not part of my contract.
Environmentalism:
Shit
is biodegradable.
Heisenbergism:
Shit
happened, we just don't know where.
Quantum Shittydynamics:
Shit happens
only in well-defined quantities.
Einsteinism:
Shit
is Relative.
Reaction to Seeing your Mother-in-law:
Relatives
are Shit.
Washington:
I
cannot tell a lie--shit happened.
Lincoln:
Four
score and seven shits ago...
Nixon:
Shit
didn't happen, and if it did I didn't know anything about it.
Reagan:
Well,
I do believe that shit happened. I was just taking a nap.
Quayle:
Whye
doe peopl treate mee lik shite?
Clinton:
I
didn't inhale this shit.
I
tried this shit before and I didn't like it so....
Bush:
Read
my lips: no more shit!
Wouldn't
be prudent to shit at this juncture.
This
looks like foreign shit. Let Baker handle it.
Perot:
I'm
sorry if I dropped you guys in this piece of shit.
McCarthyism:
Are
you now, or have you ever been, shit?
Martin Luther King:
Black
shit and white shit CAN coexist...
Julius Caesar:
I
came, I saw, I shitted. (Veni, Vidi, Shitty)
John Paul Jones:
I have
not yet begun to shit.
James Tiberius Kirk:
... to
boldly shit where no one has shit before!
Computer Science:
There's
a bug somewhere in this shitttttttttttttttttttttttttt
Macintosh:
(Enough
said)
UNIX/C:
A core
dump... Shit!
IBM/DOS:
It's
shit, but at least it's compatible.
Communism:
It's
everybody's shit.
Marxism:
The rich
shit exploits the poor shit, but deep down all shit is alike.
Dictatorship
of the shit.
Capitalism:
Shit
happens, and it'll cost you!
If
you're gonna sell that shit, at least make a profit.
Cannibalism:
Don't
eat the shit.
Vegetarianism:
If it happens
to shit, don't eat it.
Hedonism:
There's
nothing quite like a good shit.
Stoicism:
This
shit is good for me.
Existentialism:
Shit
doesn't happen; shit is.
Shit
happening is absurd.
Realism:
I
think I need to take a shit.
Denialism:
What
shit?
Purists:
If
shit has to happen, let ONLY shit happen.
Procrastinationism:
I'll
take care of this shit ... tomorrow.
Avoidanceism:
With
all this happening, I think I'll go shit.
Repressionism:
I'll
hold this shit in forever.
Fatalism:
Oh
shit, it's going to happen!
Surrealism:
Fish!
Moilanenism:
Smells
like shit of finnish fish.
Nihilism:
Let's
blow this shit up!
Fetishism:
I love
when shit happens.
Masochism:
Do
shit to me!
Sadism:
I will
shit on you!
Freudianism:
Shit
is a phallic symbol.
Mathematician:
Shit
happening is just a special case...
Statistician:
There
is an 83.7% chance that shit will happen. Maybe.
Physicist (Theoretical):
Shit
SHOULD happen.
Physicist (Experimental):
To
within experimental error, shit DID happen.
Engineer:
I hope
this shit holds together.
Chemist:
I hope
this shit doesn't blow up.
Gee,
what'll happen if I mix this and ... SHIT!!!!
Biologist:
Is
this shit alive?
Economist:
I hope
no one figures out that I don't really understand this shit.
Bureaucrat:
I'm
sorry, but we can't do this shit until you fill out form XJ-314159 to make an
appointment with our Assistant Sub-Deputy Manager to obtain form ZN-271828 ...
CEO:
(1980's)
I've got all the shit I want.
(1990's)
Oooh, SHIT!
Lawyer:
For a
sufficient fee, I can get you out of ANY shit.
Doctor:
Take
two shits and call me in the morning.
Yes,
it's definitely a case of shit. $99.95, please...
Shit,
where's this organ supposed to go?
Psychologist:
Shit
is in your mind.
Everything
that happens is shit; some of it is just repressing its subconscious
shittiness.
Programmer:
It's
shit, but at least it compiles.
Social Scientist:
Let's
pretend that shit doesn't happen ...
Politician:
It's
shit, but it'll get me elected.
If you
elect me, there will never again be shit.
Shit
is bad for the economy.
Waitress:
You
want fries with that shit?
Musician:
This
shit is out of tune.
Dean:
Let's
see how much shit the faculty'll take.
Accountant:
Why
doesn't this shit add up?
Linguist:
What
I'm doing is a bunch of feces tauri.
(For
non-Latin-speakers: feces tauri=the excrement of a bull)
Quality Control Inspector:
This
shit ain't good enough.
IRS Auditor:
I'll
make 'em squirm for putting this shit on their tax forms.
Farmer:
I get
subsidies for my shit.
Union leader:
Give
us more shit or we'll strike.
Mafia boss:
Rub
the shit out.
NYC Cab Driver:
Damn,
looks like I hit that shit ...
Thales:
Earth,
Air, Fire, and Shit
Epicurus:
If
shit happens, enjoy it.
Socrates:
What
is shit? Why is shit?
Aristotle:
The
essence of shittyness...
Descartes:
I
think, so why am I in this shit?
I
shit, therefore I am.
Leibniz (as interpreted by Voltaire):
The
best of all possible shit in this world made for shit.
Thoreau:
I
wanted to live deliberately ... to suck all the shit out of life.
Sartre:
Shit
is meaningless!
What
is shit, anyway?