If you spell besom, "B - M - W",
Or your coven has 14 members, because we're "special",
If your ceremonial robes are from Armani,
....you might be a Yuppie Pagan
If you wear a
tie at a skyclad ritual...
If you use caviar and champagne for cakes and wine...
If your quarter candles have tiffany lamp shades...
If you keep your book of shadows on a laptop computer....
....you might be a Yuppie Pagan
If your priest
and priestess are named Buffy and Muffy...
If you use a Waterford crystal chalice and a sterling silver athame...
If your altar cloth has a Polo horse embroidered on it...
....you might be a Yuppie Pagan
If your athame
has a SCSI interface...
If your OBE's begin with a netsplit...
If your priest robes conceal a pocket protector...
If you calculate the phases of the moon with Windows '95...
If your altar has a keyboard...
If your Yule ritual involves defragmentation...
If your coven is spread over a 12,000 sq. mi. area...
If your Book of Shadows has a 6-digit version number...
If you refer to deities using 3-letter acronyms (ODN, LKI, THR)...
If you do cord magick with ethernet...
If you ritually down your server for Samhain...
If your altar cloth is a mouse pad...
If, when your quarter candles burn out, the UPS backup system kicks in...
If erecting the temple entails formatting more than 4 disks...
If casting the circle changes an (int) to a (float)...
If your Star Trek screen-saver signals when your meditation period is over ...
If your Beltane ritual includes more than one news group...
If passing the cakes and ale entails using a /me command...
If your search for truth involves regular expressions...
If your familiar is a mouse...
If you draw down the moon using a light-pen...
If your cone of power has a surge suppressor...
If your tarot cards multi-task...
If your daemons collect news for you...
If your crystal ball has a horizontal-hold control...
If you refer to solitary practice as a "stand alone"...
If you tap into the collective unconscious using Netscape...
If your favorite deity has a homepage...
If the address of your covenstead begins with http:// ...
and finally...
If your circle
is a token ring...
...well, you
just might be a technopagan?
A redneck test
that never occurred to Jeff Foxworthy:
Ya know, with
so many city folk moving to the country,
and the old
ways spreading into every corner of America,
can it be too
long before EVERY segment of American society
is represented
in the Pagan community?
Will we
someday see…
REDNECK
PAGANS???
Here are some
signs that you, yourself, may be a redneck Pagan...
If your
ceremonial garb consists of cut-offs and a tube top.....
If you think a "family tradition" is a dating club.....
If you've reached the 3rd degree but not the 3rd grade....
If your coven's secret names for the God and Goddess are "Cooter" and
"Sweet Cheeks".....
....you may be a redneck Pagan.
If your
ceremonial chalice says "Budweiser" on it...
If chewing tobacco is considered a sacred herb...
If your circle dance includes the words "dosey-do"....
If your altar pentacle is a photo of John Wayne's star on the Hollywood
"Walk Of Fame".....
....you may be a redneck Pagan.
Now if your
coven chose it's High Priest at a belching contest..
If they chose their High Priestess at a wet t-shirt night...
If your annointing oil smells like "Old Spice"...
If you have ever refilled your chalice from a keg.....
....you might just be a redneck Pagan.
If your
outdoor circle has defunct washing machines for quarter altars,
If the cakes and wine are done with a bowie-knife, a can of Foster's and Little
Debbie's,
If your pantheon includes Yukon Jack, Jim Beam, and the St. Pauli Girl,
....you just might be a redneck pagan.
If your ritual
music has ever included Johnny Cash singing "Ring of Fire"...
If you think the Wiccan Rede is good for making twig furniture...
If you believe a pentagram is a Western Union message to 5 people...
If your altar cloth says "Holiday Inn" or Howard Johnson's"...
....you just might be a redneck pagan.
If your
Goddess picture says "Miss September" at the bottom..
Or your God statue looks a little too much like Elvis Presley...
If you have ever written a spell on the back of a Denny's menu...
If you have ever cancelled a coven meeting to watch Pay-Per-View wrestling on
TV.....
....you may be a redneck Pagan.
And finally…
if you have
ever called the National Enquirer because you
raised a
potato that resembled the Willendorf Goddess.....
Or if you have cast a love spell on livestock......
.....you are
definitely a Redneck Pagan.